Mother - You Are Not Your Own

This essay is the reworked product of a sermon I preached on Motherhood in May 2022. You can listen to that message here. 

Motherhood is, without a doubt, the most difficult topic I’ve ever had to preach about. 

I’ve never sifted through so many different ideas and started and discarded a sermon as many times as I did this time around. And I think it was primarily because it was impossible to separate myself out from this topic - which is certainly not a bad thing, but it is a very vulnerable thing, and vulnerability isn’t easy. 

In posting this, I think it's important for me to say that I understand that motherhood is likely a vulnerable topic for many of us - those of us who are mothers and those who aren't. Those of us who've experienced the joy of a mother's love and those of us who've experienced pain in those relationships. Those of us who've lost mothers and those who've never known mothers. So it's with acknowledgement of that vulnerability that I share this with you. And I acknowledge also that I am simply sharing my story, my experience and my insights. I don't presume to speak for all mothers everywhere. And I understand that every coin has two sides and so this insight is not without other perspectives. Nevertheless, this is mine. 

MOTHER, YOU ARE NOT YOUR OWN

What does it look like to lay yourself down for others? Particularly your children, who are so dear to you and close to your heart that it literally feels as if extensions of yourself are walking around apart from you (usually asking you: what’s for dinner?). More specifically, what does it look like to lay yourself down for them without erasing yourself? 

How do you be who they need you to be, while also being yourself, even when being yourself doesn’t necessarily suit their needs at that particular moment? 

How do you lead them into being all that God has created them to be, while also being all that God has created you to be? 

They say women are good at multitasking but I’m not sure if anyone (mothers included) realises just how deep the need for that runs for mothers. 

The thing about motherhood is that it thrusts you inevitably into a life that is no longer lived only for yourself. From the moment you pee on that stick or get that much-anticipated phone call if you’re waiting to adopt, you no longer see your life as yours alone. I think mothers have a unique insight into our lives not being our own. Some of us have shared our bodies to birth life and even supply food. And all of us have carried and cuddled and comforted. We have given up time, sleep, plans and quiet sanity. We have had our hair pulled, our clothes ruined and our patience tested. We have been bitten and kicked and scratched. We have been vomited on and urinated on. We have been jumped on, climbed on and clung onto. No, we are certainly not our own! 

But, you know…we never were. 

Because before any of us are mothers, we are daughters. And likewise, before any of us are anything to anyone, we are God’s. So I want to ask you today - not just mothers but, perhaps, especially mothers: what does it look like for you to be God’s before you are anyone else’s. Because I think there is a blurring of lines - or is it lives? - that can happen quite easily for mothers where we can forget who we are and, perhaps, whose we are. 

God has asked me to do some things in my life - and especially since I’ve become a mother - that haven’t always been comfortable or easy for me. And sure, many things about motherhood are uncomfortable and difficult - sleepless nights and potty training come to mind, and then in the later years, online safety and healthy sexuality - but, personally, I’ve found that one of the most difficult things I’ve faced has been knowing who I am when almost everything in my life revolves around helping four small humans discover who they are. 

About three years ago, I had a dream and when I woke up, the Lord showed me the meaning of the dream. He told me: I’m going to give you songwriting again, but I’m going to need you to pick it up. I’ve given it to you before but you didn’t pick it up because you said: it isn’t the Lord’s timing. But in truth, you just needed to lean into the discomfort of it. 

The journey to publishing my music has been a long one - and I mean that in the broadest sense of the term. You see, I had some idealistic notion that when the time came for me to record my music, I would know that it was “the Lord’s timing” because my calendar would suddenly open up, my children would selflessly cheer me on, disposable income would miraculously avail itself and all the right people would simultaneously gather around me in support. Basically, there would be all-around great joy in the world that I was finally recording music, just as it had been prophesied over me many times and many years ago.

Suffice to say, the journey has not looked like that. I have a husband who runs his own medical practice, four children aged 12 and under and a full-time job as a primary school teacher. It’s not exactly rocket science to work out that adding songwriting and recording to the mix wasn’t going to do wonders for my time, energy and finances. 

But do you know that only weeks after I had that dream about songwriting, we started attending the local Vineyard church? And only weeks after arriving, I was invited to a songwriting workshop. And it felt like Holy Spirit was reassuring me that if I said ‘yes’ to Him, I would have His support and provision - because you actually need to meet the multitude of gifted musicians in our community (in fact, you can! You can check out our worship collab @singingourstories)! I have been so blessed by their support in my music journey. 

But also…that songwriting workshop happened to fall on my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law was visiting from Cape Town. Now, you must know that I’m fiercely loyal and I also wrestle with people-pleasing. So when these two powers join forces, you can be sure it’s near impossible to find me doing something else at any point on one of my loved one’s birthdays! It immediately felt like I was at war within myself over what I believed it should look like for me, as a wife and mother, to put the people I love first while also learning to walk out the fullness of who God has called me to be, even when that feels hard. (For those who are itching to know what decision I made, I went to the workshop for a couple of hours.) 

To be clear, my point here is not about whether you prioritise your spouse’s birthday or your visiting relatives, because I think we can all agree that you should. My point is that motherhood - and let’s face it, life! - is full of similar wars within ourselves, especially when it comes to walking out who God has called us to be. And this becomes even more complex when it comes to knowing how to do this and love others well, particularly if those others are vulnerable and dependent. 

Do you know who was really good at laying himself down for others while also knowing exactly who God had called him to be? 

Jesus. 

And do you know who did really hard things to demonstrate love while also being honest about how hard it was? 

Yep, Jesus. 

And do you know who modelled being an integral part of a relational unit while also knowing exactly who he was as an individual? 

Right again…Jesus. 

You see, Jesus is a part of this beautiful mystery called the Trinity, which is the word we use to describe the fact that God is three persons and one person. He is Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and they are all three God and yet one God. And Jesus, in his time on earth, understood that he was God, but the Bible tells us that he also chose to serve others. 

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Philippians 2: 5-8 (NIV)

Notice that the scriptures cast no doubt on the fact that Jesus is God. Yet he didn’t consider his deity something that needed to be elevated; he humbled himself and served others. Yet he never served others simply because he didn’t know any different, or because he only saw himself as a lowly servant. No! He absolutely saw himself as a king! He had no doubts about his identity, even as he chose to give his very life. I wonder, though, when we make decisions about what we do - or don’t do - do we do it intentionally, from a place of knowing who we are, whose we are and what God has called us to? Or do we do it from that place of blurred lines and fuzzy identities, unsure of who we are as individuals and or our God-given callings? 

Jesus also saw himself as both an individual and part of a relational unit, the Trinity. To me, this is perhaps most evident when he pleads with the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion. 

He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. Luke 22: 41-44 (NIV)

Jesus clearly had a will that was separate from the Father’s; he saw himself as a separate person, an individual. Yet we also see his submission to the Father, his desire to honour Him and be unified with him, even when it was hard. 

But, you know, Jesus didn’t always do everything everyone asked of him just to serve them or show them love, but he did do everything that the Father asked of him. 

I think if I’m honest, I’m often afraid to say ‘no’ to others for fear of appearing unloving and often, as a result, I end up saying ‘no’ to God. And it’s with much grief that I admit this, but I often find it easier to say ‘no’ to God than to others. It get’s worse…window dress it in spiritual language: I call it laying myself down for others (maybe it’s “not the Lord’s timing”?), when really I am too afraid to walk out what God has asked of me because I am afraid of displeasing others or appearing to put myself above them. 

It is a tragic truth that I sometimes take what is fear and call it love. 

And I don’t want to live like that anymore. 

How about you? 

So, today, mamas, I want to invite us to reflect on the truth that, before we are called to love anyone else above ourselves, we are called to love God above ourselves. Before we are called to lay ourselves, our wills, our dreams, our preferences, our time, energy, money and resources down for others, even our families, we are called to lay those things down for Him. You are not your own. You are His. 

You see, here’s what I’ve learned: I have learned that, as a mother, I am most certainly modelling love, care and comfort for my children, but I am also modelling walking in oneness with God, living in obedience to Him, courageously living out the call of God on my life. When my daughters are mothers and my sons are fathers, partnering with their wives as mothers, I want them to have learned that mothers are called to live out the individual callings of God on their lives, whether that looks like full-time homemaking or not. I want them to have learned that family units are made up of individuals who are all called to be who God has called them to be - like Jesus, while also loving each other with servants’ hearts - like Jesus. 

And although the example I shared from my music journey happens to be about a pretty big moment in my life, the reality is that courageously walking out the call of God on my life is not only about the big things, but also about so many little things. It’s not only about saying ‘yes’ to the likes of songwriting, discipling my children or advancing my career, but it's about the healthy boundary-setting, the making time for the friendships that build me up and call me out, it’s about the stewarding my body well, the taking time to rest and have fun and simply be. It’s about the choosing to speak up and the knowing when to remain silent. It’s about the fighting the good fight and the knowing how to pick your battles. So yes, some of the things are big, but many of the things are small. And some are definitely more difficult than others - but none of them is easy. 

Beloved, you are not your own, you are His. And it is my great joy to tell you - and myself - that His word promises us that the One who calls is faithful and he will surely do it (1 Thessalonians 5:24, NIV). He has no expectation for us to get this balance right on our own. In fact, when Jesus’s disciples were overwhelmed at the thought of having to live as he had taught them without him physically alongside them, he comforted them with these words: 

But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby) will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him (the Holy Spirit) to you [to be in close fellowship with you]. John 16: 7 (AMP)

I, for one, am so grateful that we need never be overwhelmed by the possibility of walking out His call on our lives without Him. Instead, we can rest in the knowledge that we have Holy Spirit in close fellowship with us at all times. He is here to help us, comfort us, advocate for us, intercede for us, counsel, strengthen and stand by us. 

In fact, it sounds suspiciously like mothering. 

The triune God is with by his Holy Spirit not only to father us, but to mother us - and to help us live out the truth that before we are anyone else’s, we are His.